The One Where Leo Shows His Groinstalk

It has been my experience that there are 4 types of people who gravitate towards employment in adult entertainment (porn).

1. People who just genuinely love sex. Everyone gets a certain amount of enjoyment out of doing the horizontal tango, but there are people who are just insatiable

2. People with very low self esteem who need affirmation of their worth even if it's coming from overweight, sweaty man who couldn't lose his V-card to a $4 hooker.

3. Foreigners who I can just never shake the feeling don't have a firm understanding of the nature of what they're doing

4. People who are desperately in need of money

Unfortunately I fall into the last category which doesn't make for the best job fit. But I have few inhibitions, and showing my deep-veined, purple-helmed spartan of love to people is not one of them. It just made sense to try to capitalize on it. I first began by sending naked pictures willy-nilly (sounds like another euphemism) around the internet to entertainment studios. Even asked one of my friends who has dabbled in the 'arts' but was turned down by all because I lacked a certain girth (I'm talking about my biceps, get your mind out of the gutter). Since I'm not a juiced up beefcake studios seemed to have little desire for someone of my stature (if my porn lingo is up-to-date, I believe I'd be called a twink). I know what you're thinking ("I'd still have sex with you"), a profession like that seems like they would take anyone who'd be willing to do the job. How many people really want to do that? Well, apparently one too many.

Just because I couldn't find a second job didn't mean my need for money somehow vanished. So I began searching for other venues of profiting off showing Prince Everhard of the Netherlands. Up came webcam jobs boasting about top models making $2,000 a week. Even to make 10% of that a week would have been satisfactory.

I filled out the paperwork, e-mailed everything to them and within two days everything was up to begin jerkin my Gherkin over the interweb.

A trait I have learned about myself over years of half-hearted relationships and one night stands is that I am terrible at expressing, and even more-so, faking emotions. I knew from the beginning that at least the first time I did this I was going to have to be drunk (crunk). After three shots of SoCo and while nursing a bottle of Stella Artios I logged into my account.

Up my face popped on the screen. You are now logged in.

I sat there, staring at myself for a few moments, unsure of what to do. No one, it appeared, seemed to want to watch me. I took a long drag on my beer. A few more minutes went by with nothing happening. My enthusiasm was dwindling.

Guest53456 has signed in!

Oh joy, my first customer!

Leo_Pearce: Hello
Guest53456: hi
Guest53456: how are you?
Leo_Pearce: Good! How are you?
Guest53456: good

Well this is easy! Everyone should do this.

Meteor has signed in!

Another one!

Brian85 has signed in!
Guest23451 has signed in!
Man.Muffin77 has signed in!

This was now just getting overwhelming.

Brian85: You're hot!

I've never been good at taking compliments, so I smiled.

Meteor: You have a nice smile.
Guest23451: I like your eyes
Man.Muffin77: You are cute.

If you ever look in the mirror and think, I am the ugliest fuck ever! just signed up to do webcam porn and you will find all the affirmation you could ever dream of. I've never thought I had great eyes, or a nice smile, but it is nice to hear that sometimes.

Leo_Pearce: Thank you!
Man.Muffin77: Leo, I want to bend you over and **** the **** outta your *** (*expletives have been replaced with asterisks)  

When you see something like that you cannot help but looked shocked. And then laugh. All of which I now know kill the mood when someone is planning on paying money for you to fulfill their fantasies.

Man.Muffin77 has logged off.
Guest23451 has logged off.
Brian85 has logged off.
Guest53456 has logged off.
Meteor has logged off.


Damnit! I logged off. I wasn't mentally prepared for that. I just needed to psych myself up and then I can get in the mood. I took another shot of SoCo, drained my Stella, and stripped to my Spiderman undies and started again.

I'm a sexy boy! I'm a dirty boy! I'm ready to degrade myself on the internet in front of all sorts of men!

I logged back on. It took a lot less time to get for customers to sign in this time. Soon I had four people chatting away and I was doing good this time. Inside I couldn't stop laughing, but on the outside I was making sexy faces and rubbing my body seductively (sarcasm).

Leo_Pearce: Big boy, I'm so lonely. I need you here to **** me.

I first had a sniffle. I ignored it. I couldn't let a runny nose ruin my moment. Then I glanced up at myself pouting sensually into the camera and noticed what had started out as a runny nose quickly escalated into a bloody nose. There was blood pouring over my face.

The only thing that can kill the mood faster than laughing at someone talking dirty is getting a bloody nose while trying to be sexy.

I quickly logged off, sprinted to the bathroom and spent the next half-hour stoppering the flood of fluid issuing from my nostril.

I took that as a sign to put my porn aspirations on a hiatus and tried another approach to making a little extra cash... blogging about the horrible (hilarious) things that happen in my life.