#94: Grow A Mustache A.K.A. The Evolution Of The 'Stache

A mustache, as I have come to learn, is a far more complex attribution than just hair on your upper lip. To many it is a way of life, a way to communicate to each other just the type of person you are. Growing the sacred 'stache is not an endeavor to be taken lightly. You may make a statement about yourself that is entirely unaware (as I was).

The word 'mustache' has a pervasive history. The English word comes from the French word 'moustache', which comes from the Italian word 'mostaccio', which comes from the Latin word 'mustacium', which comes from the Medieval Greek word 'moustakion', which ultimately comes from the Greek work 'mustax'.

The first thing to consider when thinking about growing a mustache is the type. Yes, you may be thinking (stop doing that) to yourself, How many ways can there be to put hair above your lip? The correct answer is over 15 (we also would have accepted 'a bushel'. Though not actually a correct measurement, we give points for pizazz). Each one says something distinct about the type of person who would wear that on their face.

We have the Fu Manchu. A mustache stereotypically common in the Orient with mustache hair that grows long down the side of the mouth, typically past the chin.

There is the Dictator which rose to fame with the infamous Adolf Hitler and the famous Charlie Chaplin.

(Seen often on Nazi Sympathizer Babies)

Others include The Zappa, Pancho Villa, Imperial, Horseshoe, Handlebar, Pencil, English, and the list continues on. For more vital information on furthering your education on mustache issues visit the facetious website American Mustache Institute.

I decided on whatever would actually grow above my lip. A bold choice as I had no say in what my mustache was going to say about. I fear that my decision has changed me into the dreaded 'h' word. Yes, my friends, I'm talking about a 'hippie'. A tree hugger, dirt worshiper, flower child, greenie, dead head.

Since the growth of The 'Stache it seems as though my hair has taken on a new life choice (no, I do not mean it's started shacking up with it's 'good friend' Anton). It loves to catch the light and glisten in an greasy, unwashed way. It always looks like I just rolled out of bed, but not in the I-just-took-two-hours-completing-this-look sort of way. Even my clothes look hippie now. The plaid shirts that used to look ironic now look like I'm the sort of person who wears plaid seriously. Even my $100 T-shirts appear cheap and second hand-ish.

(hippies are only seen in their natural habitat, nature)

But I blaze ahead. Columbus didn't discover America by giving up when the salt water wrecked havoc on his hair. Lewis and Clark didn't stop exploring once they realized they wouldn't be able to shower. And it didn't stop Ke$ha from becoming an international phenomenon (if you listen to the lyrics carefully, after washing her mouth with Jack, she doesn't stop to condition her hair. She just straight, hits that city).


But if anyone tries to get me to go to "Love Your Mother Earth" or asks me if there's a good sale on organic asparagus I'm shaving it off.

P.S. I do have to admit that by the AMI criteria the little mustache that has come in is not considered a mustache at all owing to my goatee. All my facial hair gets lumped under the label 'beard.'